Secrets to a Harmonious Divorce

IMG_2724Divorce: A permanent separation or a formal ending of a marriage between two people who were once connected.

We have seen it, heard it, observed it, and perhaps even experienced it ourselves: how unpleasant, emotionally stressful, and mentally draining a divorce can be between two people who once were madly in love with each other. Do all divorces have to end so ugly? I do not believe so, and I am speaking from my own personal experience.

On my 42nd birthday almost two years ago, the court granted my request to divorce my best friend and soulmate.  Did our divorce end on bad terms? Certainly not, but that does not mean it was not stressful.

Many people were quite surprised. They thought that my ex and I were perfect for each other since we were both driven and outgoing entrepreneurs who also share similar values and upbringings. But that was not enough. When you have two passionate, impatient, driven, hot-headed, and equally strong-minded crazy entrepreneurs together…it equates to an explosion, an imbalance of yin and yang energy.

On paper and in photographs, it seemed perfect.  In reality, we both knew that we needed to be each other’s opposite balance, and that was quite difficult.  For almost two years, we sought coaching, couple’s therapy, retreats, prayers, and romantic getaways to make things work.  At one point, we even thought that perhaps having a baby would change it all, and thank goddess we did not go that route. It just was not in the stars for us to be together as a couple.

We both still love and respect each other very much; we are each other’s best friend and family. Don’t get me wrong: it was very emotionally stressful, and it felt like failure because we both do not give up that easily. But we did promise each other that we would work together to make it a harmonious and painless separation.  And we did so through honest communication. We stayed 100% open and upfront with each other the whole time even when it was difficult and confronting.

I have friends and clients who are going through nasty divorces that have been dragging on for years. It is even more difficult and complicated when children are involved.

While each journey is different, here are some things my ex and I did along the way that contributed to our divorce being harmonious and heartache-free:

  1. Honest and open communication.  During the whole journey, we stayed in communication and shared our thoughts openly, even when they were not so positive.  We knew where we stood with one another.  There was no guessing or playing of games or even walking on eggshells.
  2. Assume good intent. Even before we were married, we were partners in crime and we watched each other’s backs. In this situation we wanted the best for each other. I wanted him to be happy, and he the same for me.
  3. Respect.  What more can I say? The only reason why divorces end ugly is because the two people who were once madly in love have lost respect for one another.  In our case, we have always respected each others’ decisions, actions, opinions, and beliefs. 
  4. Treat it like business. You may not think this is romantic, but really, if you can put your emotions aside and treat your divorce like a business exchange (as you should all relationships to an extent), you both will be much happier.  Communicate, collaborate, prioritize, strategize, plan, and visualize a positive desired outcome. This will help tremendously.
  5. Speak your truths and express yourself.  Please listen to me: no matter how bad it is, speak your truth, even when you know the other person may not want to hear it.  By speaking your truth, you build trust with the other person so that they know you are not just putting up a front.  This will put them less on the defensive side and encourage them to share their truths with you as well.  Getting the unsaid said is the best thing you can do for any relationships.
  6. Lastly, take care of yourself, emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically.  Seek help and support by talking to friends, family, a trusted advisor, or get professional counseling. Exercising and eating healthy, along with lots of sleep, really helped me with my emotional stress. Also, prayers, meditation, yoga, walking in nature, and spending time with my little nieces was oh so heart-healing and calming of the mind. But the biggest stress reliever for me was writing. I wrote in my journal a lot – some days, it was pages and pages of thoughts and emotions….and that is how this blog was born. It has been so therapeutic for me in my spiritual journey of self-discovery and awakening.

Currently, I am in a good place and ready to start a whole new life.  My ex and I are still best friends, and he is one of my biggest clients that I support and counsel. He is dating a wonderful goddess and has already moved on with his life. As for me, I am spending a lot of time getting to know myself and dating me for the first time. It’s actually quite fun and I am loving it! My whole life has been around others’ happiness before my own. Now it is time for me to rejuvenate and put myself first. It feels like being born again. The exciting part is I get to create and design the life I have always wanted. 🙂

Do I see myself being married again? Absolutely! Only this time, my recipe for a happy and long lasting marriage will be of my own, and not of my family, my friends, my culture, nor the Catholic church.  Are you going through a tough divorce right now? Please let me know if I can support you in any way.

Much Love Always,

tu-anh

Could You Add More Red In Your Life?

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Photo by Charles Martin in one of my favorite red dresses – keeping my make-up flawless and natural to balance it out.

Red – sexy, fun, passionate, and powerful – always was one of my favorite colors to wear. Do you have enough red in your life? Here’s why I think you should have more:

1. Draw Attention. You already know you are a beautiful being. Now it’s time to show her off! When you wear red,  you catch people’s attention and it makes them want to be near your essence and goddess power. When your confidence is low, it is an especially great way to draw attention and boost your confidence. Now if wearing red clothing may be too much for you, try wearing red lipstick instead. 🙂

2. Increase Passion. The color red actually quickens the heartbeat and increases the breathing rate of the person viewing it. When you’re looking to increase your romance and want to feel passionate try wearing red – your partner won’t be able to control their excitement! Trust me, I know what I am talking about. 🙂

3. Attracting Masculine Energy. If you are feeling a bit unbalanced and unsexy, all you need to do is throw on a red dress and a pair of stylish stilettos and go dancing! Not only will you feel sexy and powerful, you certainly won’t have trouble finding a partner to dance with.

4. Action. The color red motivates action, leadership, and determination. If your team is working on a big project (or even just you) you may consider wearing red to get everything moving and inspire yourself and everyone around you to take action. Or how about red flowers in the office?

5. Good Feng Shui. In the Chinese tradition, and in most Asian cultures, red is the color of riches and arouses passion. It represents happiness and love in marriage. That is why most traditional brides are seen dressed in red on their wedding day.

6. Classic Color. Wearing a red dress is a classic and timeless statement that will never go out of style. It is my belief that every woman should have a red dress in her closet along with a beautiful and bold shade of red lipstick; just as every man should have a red power tie. These articles will bring out your fiery spirit when you need it the most!

So if you don’t have enough love, happiness, and passion in your life perhaps you are missing the red. 🙂

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How about matching your red wardrobe?

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This little goddess is already learning how powerful red can be.

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My red display at the Sanctuary for the bold goddess.

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Red Hibiscus flowers, one of my favorites.

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Let me dress you in red.

It Will All Be Worth It…The Answer Is Within

Balancing my heart chakra with daily nature walk.

Balancing my heart chakra with daily nature walk.

I apologize for being silent in the past few months and not sharing with you my thoughts, creativity, and life inspiration. I hope life has been treating you well.  I have been working very hard to polish up my life and free myself of emotional baggage, unwanted responsibilities, and most importantly, my fear of abandonment so that I can have a fresh new start in 2016. My life’s mission and vision is clearer and clearer to me day by day.  That motivates me to go within even more to find the answer…the answer to my eternal happiness and goddess zen.  It’s late in the night and I have to get to my prayers and meditation and then bedtime, but I want to leave you with the song below. It is beautiful not only in the words, but in the melodies as well.  It is fitting of my spiritual journey at the moment and my desire to attract my eternal love, happiness, and goddess zen. I hope you like it as much as I do.

“Answer”
by Sarah McLachlan

I will be the answer
At the end of the line
I will be there for you
While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can’t look down

If it takes my whole life
I won’t break, I won’t bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You’ll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

If it takes my whole life
I won’t break, I won’t bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
‘Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You’ll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind